So I am walking down Victoria Street a couple of hours ago, and a very kindly lady stops me, says hello and asks me why I haven’t blogged for a while. I could tell in her eyes that she knew the answer …
This happened a couple of days after I had been walking down Wood Lane, an inconsequential event which nonetheless inspired a tweet from someone saying they had seen a ‘deeply unhappy looking’ @campbellclaret (i.e me) walking around Shepherd’s Bush. It was the ‘walking around’ that annoyed me. Truth be told I was feeling ‘deeply unhappy’, but ‘walking around’ suggested total aimlessness, whereas in fact I was striding fairly purposefully to the BBC for a meeting about the film I am making about alcohol.
The twitteralert – there really is no such thing as privacy in a public place in twitterland – was exacerbated when I noticed the author had a ‘Dr’ prefix. It turned out @DrDannyPenman had just been on the Beeb himself, because he is a journalist and the author of a book, ‘Mindfulness: finding peace in a frantic world.’
Fair play to him that his powers of observation were such that he realised I was not my usual happy self, and to the lady today who assumed I was ‘off colour.’
So this is all a long-winded route towards saying that yes, some time between Christmas and the New Year, the beginnings of what Churchill called his Black Dog began to come near, and by the time we were back from Scotland, it had its gnashers well and truly gnashing.
This is bad news for me, and for my family, though experience tells me this one ought to pass by the beginning of next week, and I have plenty of stuff to keep me busy over the weekend. However, Digital Dan, who I mentioned in my last but one blog before Christmas, and is in charge of ebooks at Random House, is probably rather pleased. What better time for me to be depressed than when launching The Happy Depressive, which is published next week?
As any depressive will tell you, there is never a good time to be depressed, and the lack of blogging has been matched by a more general lack of energy, focus and all the other things that tend to evaporate when depression hits.
Partly – I think – because of my openness about depression, and the exploration of it for the ebook and for my novel on some of the same themes, the gaps between my depressions have been getting longer. But when they come, the horrible-ness, if such a word exists, is as intense as though it is happening for the first time. Everything becomes too much of an effort and those things you have to make an effort for, and somehow manage to, drain more energy than they should.
As to why it fell when it did … a lot of depressives find Christmas and the New Year difficult, and I certainly think there is a seasonal and cyclical element to my depressions. It is also possible, in fact I think it is highly likely, that the psychological impact of Philip Gould’s death took a bit of time really to be felt. In the immediate aftermath of death, there is a lot to do, there are codes to observe, other people to worry about.
It is fitting then that The Guardian, which is running an extract from The Happy Depressive tomorrow, has opted to focus on the section I have written about Philip’s death and what I learned from it about life, death and happiness.
Meanwhile, to @DrDannyPenman yes thank you, I would love a copy of your book. I’d send you mine, but Dan says it is currently only available digitally! It’s a brave new world apparently …
I’m asking my wife to buy me “The Happy Depressive” for my birthday. I’m quite sure she’ll think I’m well, y’know… on account of the price.
But it’s actually one of the few things I can think of asking for.
I wouldn’t presume to guess if being open about your depression has made it easier to live with, likewise blogging about it. But for anyone who lives with depression – either their own or that of a loved one – this is gold. Thank you.
get well soon Alistair
It may seem glib to say but I do worry when the first reaction to depression is to “cure it”. Sometimes we just have to sit with it, muse over it, still a little in the frantic world before we look to move away from it. I am not referring to clinical depression but of course the word we give all to readily to feeling sadness, feeling lost or indeed confused with life – depression. There are very few conditions in healthcare that can be successfully relieved or even, dare I say it, cured, by exercise, diet and a comforting relationship with another human being but depression is on that list.
Just saying
do you think that having time off sometimes provokes a depressive episode? sudden change of routine (or lack of it), more time to dwell….
Anyone who highlights the issues and the reality of what it’s like to suffer the trials and tribulations of Mental Illness has my respect and gratitude for that. It is never the case that is defines who you are or what you can achieve, at least it need not be.
Some may still not understand that you can type a blog post when depressed…
I tried to explain the degrees and different types of depression when I was working in the mental health field. The aspect most do not grasp is the way anxiety is the main symptom of the most common mild forms of depression – hope your book covers this? The way the world is, until the high profile public figures all keep coming clean about it, the average Joe will continue to dismiss it as someone else’s problem…. until it comes and bites them in the bum.
Alastair, good on you for being up-front; and sympathy (not the right word, but you know what I mean) from someone who’s also been there once or twice.
Just wanted to add that I think there’s another ‘reason’ why this is a difficult time of year – it’s dark for far longer than some of us are comfortable with! Apparently north of the Wash nearly all of us (me included) have seriusly low levels of Vitamin D and that (like the classic post-natals) can make one feel terrible.
So maybe there’s a rather unappreciated exogenous (forgive me!) as well as an endogenous aspect to how many of us feel? Which is not at all to say the feelings aren’t just as valid, wherever they come from; but I mention this because of the seasonality you referred to.
Hope things pick up soon, as you anticipate.
This is a dire time for anyone with depression. However, I think you are right to consider the death of a close friend. We tend not to allow ourselves to grieve. It is a natural process and needs to be allowed to take its course. Take care, Alistair, and be kind to yourself.
I look forward to your new book and reviewing it on the Journeys web-site.
Trust your Black Dog moves on shortly as expected
My own blog…
http://mindwalking-ajournalofdiscovery.blogspot.com/
I’d highly recommend Dr Martin Seligman’s ‘Learned Optimism’. You can find it on Amazon: http://goo.gl/lINpj.
Dr Seligman is a respected psychologist, and he played a key role in the development of cognitive therapy.
All the best.
@FollowMorrissey:disqus
I think there’s a lot of it about! A chum and myself both felt simultaneously poleaxed by that bloody dog yesterday; strange, because I felt less depressed over Christmas than I normally do. But we jog on, hoping, mainly in my case, for some sunshine which normally helps lift it. Looking forward to the new book, and wishing you sunnier times, Clair.
Good luck with it – mine takes the form of a black hand grasping my head, of which I can feel every finger. Don’t get it very much at all now that my memories of Aberfan have come back to the surface, but still bad at times.
I may not like some of your past history as spin-doctor, but I have nothing but admiration for the truth-telling you are doing now. Much respect!
I’m currently reading Mindfulness and so far I’ve been amazed at how the exercises have left me feeling less anxious, more positive and re-energised. Give it a shot I say. Take care x
Sympathy – I can go to bed at night feeling positive and wake up with the black dog for company. Trust that it will pass.
Hi Alastair, am reposting as my prev comment seems to have disappeared (though maybe you’ll have found it by now?).
I wanted to say that, endogenous or exogenous, depression ‘feels’ the same (as I know), but there does – as you ention above – seem to be a seasonal aspect which is clinically related to lack of sunshine, and thereby also lack of Vitamin D. You’ll see if you wanted to check it out that there is a real clinical issue here which simple blood tests can confirm, and the further north one goes, the more prevalent the medical problems, inc depression.
Anyone anywhere can get depression, and Vit D isn’t the ‘answer’, but it is now recognised by medics that it can be part of the amelioration, for some.
Omega 3 can I think help, but much more Vit D is sometimes a more fundamental approach, for some people, some of the time, as perhaps you already know.
Take care
Hi Alastair, am reposting as my prev comment seems to have disappeared (though maybe you’ll have found it by now?).
I wanted to say that, endogenous or exogenous, depression ‘feels’ the same (as I know), but there does – as you ention above – seem to be a seasonal aspect which is clinically related to lack of sunshine, and thereby also lack of Vitamin D. You’ll see if you wanted to check it out that there is a real clinical issue here which simple blood tests can confirm, and the further north one goes, the more prevalent the medical problems, inc depression.
Anyone anywhere can get depression, and Vit D isn’t the ‘answer’, but it is now recognised by medics that it can be part of the amelioration, for some.
Omega 3 can I think help, but much more Vit D is sometimes a more fundamental approach, for some people, some of the time, as perhaps you already know.
Take care
Just know Alastair that there are lots of us rooting for you! Not sure whether tinkerbell-like wishes actually work for you but personally, i wish you all the best for 2012.
Thanks for continuing to highlight these episodes. Its reassuring that we will see the energy returning afterwards.
Hope you feel better soon Alastair. I’ve also been struggling recently and, in my case I think there is a seasonal aspect, but like you I’ve also had a bereavement this year (my dad) and although I kept calm and carried on at the time it really hit me over Christmas when work & the usual routine stopped. Be kind to yourself, do the things you enjoy when you can find the energy and I hope you get back into your stride soon. Very best wishes from me and everyone at Flintshire Mind.
Thank you for your honesty here. I can’t believe how well you explain depression, I wish I could find the words sometimes. Remember how strong you are in times like these and how many people there are who are so grateful to you for being so open & honest about this, including me. I am rooting for you, you give me so much hope when I see you come through the other side, it gives me the sense that I might, just might beat this too.
I know it’s difficult and fustrating, I’m going through it myself. When the black dog comes the last thing one wants to do is talk or move, but please keep talking, keep telling and do what excersize you can but if you need sleep then try to sleep if you can.
Your real friends do admire how strong you are when it comes to depression, they may not understand it but they have watched you battle and come out the winner every time. And when in a depressed mood just remember that other people are not as negative about you as you may be about yourself.
People that mind don’t matter & people that matter don’t mind.
I know you don’t do God but I do so I will keep you in my prayers for a while as I have done with PG also.
As you remind me sometimes, it gets better and by talking about it the getting better bit has already started.
Respect. I always enjoy your blog but this one was special – it made me feel less alone in my “maudlin” spell.
I’m impressed and a bit jealous you can still write when depression comes around. Not much privacy left with the social media in town, but the benefit is one gets best wishes from strangers – get well soon!
Very sorry to hear this, Alastair – I do hope the gloom lifts soon. Thank you for being so open about it, and for all you do in this area.
Take care.
I feel for you and that is exactly what I remember depression feeling like. It was hard for me to function at all but I had to. I am lucky that a hystorectomy cured me as it was hormone related but I will never forget the pain of it. Worse than anything physical I have suffered. I really hope it “lifts” soon and greatly admire you.
Fiona Meyrick
I am certain the “festive season” link is no coincidence. Yet again, many become victims of the money-led, advert-fed, happiness carnival of extravagance that purports to be Christmas. Little connection with the birth of God’s son.
I won’t preach. Empathy goes further than that, Alastair. But I cannot promise not to pray for you. May you know how to rest, when not to, and have as much loving support around you while this blip blights your days.
You are too important to humanity, you know, to be cast aside for too long.
Take care, and the same greetings to all those who share your experience at this time.
I don’t feel I can add anything that is helpful. I just have massive respect, empathy and wish you wellness and feel the need to say so that maybe in some small way you can see that there are positive outcomes from your honesty; i.e. it makes me feel less alone.
Get well soon AC x
(This didn’t seem to post, please delete if its double posted)
Alastair very sorry to hear the black dog has struck again.
I think it is encouraging for other male sufferers to know that even clearly strong characters like yourself, Frank Bruno, Neil Lennon and Churchill can get it.
I wish you well recovering from this episode and I wish you well and thank you for your continuing quest to use your profile to help everyone with mental illness.
Wonder if there is anything that commenters on the blog can do to help with this issue.
You’re so exposed and watched, I can’t imagine what a true doctor could be thinking of by using you in that way.
Perhaps the Hippocratic and any other oaths about discretion don’t cover vain tweeters? It should.
It’s more than 6wks since Philip Gould died and for me that was the watershed when I woke up for the first time knowing already, without having to realise it after a few seconds or minutes, that the world had changed.
As you say, this will be worrying for your family but I’m sure they love you and know that all of you will come back, changed a bit but still you.
One thing I have to say Alastair is you have my respect for your openness on this subject. Suffering from any kind of mental health issue is hard, not made any easier in this judgemental, quick fix, 140 character attention span & move on world. Whatever the degree of depression it can be a hard and lonely mountain to climb. Thank-you for trying to leave some guide ropes.
Gabrielle
Sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to
the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow?
And glue won’t work?
And God doesn’t do you?
What a pickle!
Des Currie
Thank you for your openness – it really helps.
I wish you every kind thought and that the weight lifts from you soon.
Am a believer in environmental effects on well being, and with on top of natural occasional life events, does not help. I know London and other cities/large towns are not smogged coal and leaded-petrol fumed evironments as they were a few decades ago, but some people I believe are effected when they return from a period of basic and simple fresh air. It is as if the system responds and overshoots in the other direction to cope, with adverse effects, if that makes any sense. Modern pollution is a bit more subtle these days, not only from waste fumes from modern fuels, but other pollutions – noise, electromagnetic, and etc.. These were not around in man’s evolution, and affects some people, and they seem to need a period of breaking in when without for a while. Might sound different, but a sauna session a day might help a little – steam is air-pollution free.
Myself went to my uncle’s funeral last Thursday, and his son, my cousin, has been struggling under a black cloud for quite a while now, but I hope the excellent family get together we had afterwards helped him a little. We had a good talk together, and we talked about anything and everything.
‘Little connection with the birth of God’s son.’
Might I suggest that the reason for this is because it really doesn’t have any connection with God’s son? I think we’ve made a complete cock-up of the midwinter festivities and it’s no surprise that people get depressed by the big build-up to 25th December followed by a hiatus and then another minor build-up (except in Scotland) to 31st December. After a few days you get thoroughly sick of it and you wish for some kind of normality to return.
The midwinter festival is about countering the year’s darkest (though rarely coldest) moment with light and warmth and celebrating the reopening of daylight hours in a New Year after the Winter Solstice on 21st or 22nd December. That’s it in essentials. But Christianity got grafted onto it, capitalism encouraged binge spending, and we have the institution of Monarchy grabbing a bit of the limelight as always, with the Queen’s annual non-speech – amusing by the way how someone separated from the rest of us by wealth, protocol and toadies can have the brass neck to talk about us all being a family!
I hope people continue to celebrate what’s left of a sound pagan festival by swapping gifts and cards, brightening up the darkness with lights and rediscovering the warmth of friendship and love towards each other. It certainly has little connection with the birth of God’s son, but then it never should have in the first place.
Tut ….. Shirley is still allowed to offer her own thoughts (along with joking about making a prayer).
Ho hum; Currie posts always remind me of Brad Dourof’s character in ‘Wise Blood’.
This programme / series is a joy for all happy atheists:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b018zv5r
Sending you warm wishes from a stranger. I hope the clouds clear soon.
I do so admire the open way you are dealing with your latest bout of depression AC. Though I guess you were sort of ‘outed’ by one or two people. One of whom a Doctor? who should know better imo. It must be excruciating to be talked about in that way especially when you are not feeling 100%
I wish you well asap, as I’m sure do many many other people also.
Ps. A quick final thought: That strange period of time between Christmas and the new year always feels to me a bit like the time between a death and the funeral, i.e. no mans land! I’m just thankful it’s over with again for another year and we can all look forward to the spring.
That’s an excellent post.
Gosh – I’d missed reading your blogs and I send very best wishes and hope you feel on top form again very soon. Christmas is an awful time for me and many many others and I am certain my subconscious mind remembers painful anniversaries for me and gives me a little nudge…..depression just creeps up behind you and once it’s snatched you, it’s like walking waist deep in wet sand, or at least it has been for me. Grieving has to be completed in the right order too and I can only echo what others have said here, that it is admirable that you are so open and honest and I respect you for that
Take care.
Lol. Like Alastair?
Des Currie
So she is, and so am I and so are you. Don’t you like argument? You do plenty of it yourself!
Real happiness doesn’t go in a straight line but your anger seems to, it isn’t at all enviable or admirable.
Gosh Alastair, I am only here because I was watching the repeat of Millionaire and was stunned by your hopelessness. I wrote a comment there but now that I discover that you suffer from depression, I feel a little bit bad about it.
I also ,sometimes suffer from depression. The Xmas ,New Year attack is normal. The security of routine is taken away and there is much idealised publicity about Happy Families which only exacerbates ones own feeling of being outside of it all.
Despite what I said about the Millionaire thing, I think you are an intelligent and energetic ( hence the walking of the streets) man. My advice…make sure you keep active ( your favourite sport or whatever) , do things with the kids that YOU enjoy otherwise it can become a chore. Indulge and spoil yourself a bit….spend a weekend at a health retreat or what ever and get a good health restoring massage and TLC. Go on some sponsored action thing for charity….Eddie Izzard and David Walliams spring to mind although I think their challenges were frankly too much , something less horrible than what they did.
Respect who you really are and don’t pretend to be something different. Try not to be too proud to contact and visit trusted family and friends to reinforce your sense of self and your identity. I realise that this can be difficult with young kids but I’m sure your wife will manage. Be openly admiring and kind to her and never disparage her especially in public.
Wishing you a successful , prosperous and happy new year 2012.
Thankyou for being brave enough to talk about your depression publically.
Best wishes,
Alexandra Thrift
Bournemouth ( a very ordinary member of the public….a bit like the lady who stopped you in Victoria)
xxx
Try not to be a ponce. Ponces are so tony blairish.
Des Currie
Alistair,
You do such great work for those suffering from depression – thank you for your honesty. I work in law and the stigma attached to mental illness is huge. It really is the last taboo and I have successfully hidden my depression from those in Court for sometime, I am lucky – being self employed I can chose unpaid ‘downtime’ between trials to let the black clouds pass – others are not quite so fortunate. Keep up the good work!
Alaistair your an inspiration – I am going thro depression for the first time at 38 and have had 16 long hard months of it – with a little improvement in recent times. I wish more people would talk about it – it really helps those of us going through it to see we are not alone. On a bad day I will log onto your website for instance and it does help to see it being discussed openly and honestly. I can’t get your ebook as I am in Ireland…….will try and get a copy. Hope you are throu your latest bout. BTW how long was your first bout for? Take Care Mike – Dublin
Big fan of yours Alastair – I suffer from depression/anxiety (think it needs a new name to be honest), but tonight I was half watching question time – not a fan of Dimbleby nowadays and la daily mail woman who’s name I forget was winding you (and me) up – so what did I do? Tried to buy your book on Amazon – yes then I found out it is an e-book. But I don’t have a kindle! But, through Amazon’s expert guidance I was able to purchase your book through an Amazon application of an online Kindle. Amazing! Low cost too.Read the book during Andrew Neil’s programme which I’m normally a fan of. Brave of you to write as you have. Death features significantly in depression, often without people knowing. Our deepest fear some say, but yet, not talked about these days. I’m an old claret who votes labour, from Rossendale, so don’t worry about why you get guilty on the way back from the match. xxx take care. Susan.
Alastair your blog has given me some hope. These dark times have just come upon me and thank God someone out there is talking about their experiences. I’m sure that depression rates are on the increase, especially with the increasd drug and alcohol use. It took me a long time to realise my own problem. I hope you bring this topic to question time one evening, it is great to help those suffering feel like they are not alone.
Thank you. I remember watching the documentary you made about your battle with depression. It helped me a lot.
i have been suffering from depression for some 16 years i recently had to attend atos for a medical re: esa they told me there was nothing wrong and i was given a clean bill of health, i have been under doctors over the years and currently undertake help given by KCA. this government have no thoughts for people like me i have working legs and arms so therefore i am fully fit and my benefits were stopped from that date. i am now under financial pressures which have made me worse than i have been for years and put a strain on my fragile marriage. i am so glad to know that i am not on my own and that people at all levels can suffer with this horrible disease. thank you Alastair